When Will I Recover?

I am learning that real recovery exists now—in the present. It cannot exist in any other time.

What good is ten years or ten hours of sobriety if I don’t practice recovery right now?

My recovery means I admit that I cannot fight my lust addiction on my own. Every day, I have to admit this. Every moment Lust tempts me, I must remember that I will invariably lose control if I entertain Lust.

My recovery means I choose to believe God can fight my lust addiction and win, and I choose to surrender my self-will to His will in order to let Him fight for me. I have to willingly do this every day and in every moment I am tempted.

My recovery means I examine my past to learn my weaknesses. But I don’t dwell there. Thanks to the steps and God’s grace, I don’t have to dwell on my past, and I don’t need to distract myself from it with lust and fantasy.

My recovery means I willingly give up all my defects of character because they have me chained to my lust addiction. I must do this every day and every moment I observe my defects. This is critical.

My recovery means I must willingly become someone else, a better me. The same Me will return to selfishness and Lust.

My recovery means I willingly give up my resentment toward people who’ve earned it. It means I forgive and seek forgiveness.

My recovery means I give up my desire to be impatient and ask God to replace it with patience.

My recovery means I cannot hold on to anger and expect to be sober.

My recovery means I cannot try to control Lust. If I want to be sober then I cannot afford to fantasize.

My recovery means I cannot afford to be ungrateful. I cannot afford to covet what I don’t have right now, because that is a form of fantasizing.

My recovery means I am learning to stay in the present. It means I am learning to be grateful for what I have right now.

My recovery means I work the steps today so that tomorrow isn’t too much.

My recovery means I pray for serenity to accept what I cannot change today, courage to change what I can today, and wisdom to know the difference today.

The amazing and exciting thing about my recovery is that the twelve steps work when I work them, not because of me but because of God. They work despite me.

My recovery means I don’t deserve it, and I am learning to accept it anyway.

Just tired

image source: rejeanchiasson.com

image source: rejeanchiasson.com


Sometimes I’m tired of being an addict in recovery.

I wouldn’t trade my recovery and sobriety for anything. It’s just that sometimes I feel drained. What would my life be like today if I hadn’t gotten lost in addiction? if I didn’t have this weakness? if I had never been introduced to pornography fifteen years ago?

What if the Internet didn’t have a cesspool of porn? What if I never chose to use pornography to self-medicate my pain? Who and where would I be today?

I think what I’m trying to express is that I’m tired of living in this world and I’m tired of having this weakness.

I’m not ready to throw in the towel or anything like that. I simply feel weary sometimes. Right now I feel weary.

Serving as a sponsor helps. So does being a husband, father, son, and brother. My family and friends give me much of my motivation to press onward.

Adding to my load is my stressing that I shouldn’t feel weary. Strange, isn’t it? Old patterns of thinking.

I think I can give more of my burdens to my Savior. Every time I’ve done so, He’s been there for me. I want to do so now but I almost feel like I can’t, or that I’ve forgotten how… I dunno. It’s difficult for me to explain.

I think I’m learning that I’m still in recovery. I still need healing, as does my family. I’m sober by the grace of God and I recover by the grace of God. I don’t need to do this alone.

He just reminded me of an experience I had while running. I shared it in a previous post. The trials and pains of my life still hurt when I run with a Friend, but they hurt less, and I feel hope when He’s with me.

I feel His love and encouragement now. Twenty-four more.