When Will I Recover?

I am learning that real recovery exists now—in the present. It cannot exist in any other time.

What good is ten years or ten hours of sobriety if I don’t practice recovery right now?

My recovery means I admit that I cannot fight my lust addiction on my own. Every day, I have to admit this. Every moment Lust tempts me, I must remember that I will invariably lose control if I entertain Lust.

My recovery means I choose to believe God can fight my lust addiction and win, and I choose to surrender my self-will to His will in order to let Him fight for me. I have to willingly do this every day and in every moment I am tempted.

My recovery means I examine my past to learn my weaknesses. But I don’t dwell there. Thanks to the steps and God’s grace, I don’t have to dwell on my past, and I don’t need to distract myself from it with lust and fantasy.

My recovery means I willingly give up all my defects of character because they have me chained to my lust addiction. I must do this every day and every moment I observe my defects. This is critical.

My recovery means I must willingly become someone else, a better me. The same Me will return to selfishness and Lust.

My recovery means I willingly give up my resentment toward people who’ve earned it. It means I forgive and seek forgiveness.

My recovery means I give up my desire to be impatient and ask God to replace it with patience.

My recovery means I cannot hold on to anger and expect to be sober.

My recovery means I cannot try to control Lust. If I want to be sober then I cannot afford to fantasize.

My recovery means I cannot afford to be ungrateful. I cannot afford to covet what I don’t have right now, because that is a form of fantasizing.

My recovery means I am learning to stay in the present. It means I am learning to be grateful for what I have right now.

My recovery means I work the steps today so that tomorrow isn’t too much.

My recovery means I pray for serenity to accept what I cannot change today, courage to change what I can today, and wisdom to know the difference today.

The amazing and exciting thing about my recovery is that the twelve steps work when I work them, not because of me but because of God. They work despite me.

My recovery means I don’t deserve it, and I am learning to accept it anyway.

Threads and Pennies

quote-scott-christus

 

For years I watched the thread of hope dangling above my head—the hope that recovery could happen for me. I tried repeatedly to grab it and hold on for dear life (literally) only to grow weary of my white knuckle grip and fall. After a few hundred falls I dared not attempt to hold on anymore. I was too afraid of more heartbreak and disappointment. This time around, however, feels different.

Tomorrow will mark one hundred days of sobriety for me. The 12 Steps are working!

  1. Honesty: I admitted that I, of myself, am powerless to overcome my addictions and that my life has become unmanageable.
  2. Hope: I came to believe that the power of God can restore me to complete spiritual health.
  3. Trust in God: I decided to turn my will and my life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.
  4. Truth: I made a searching and fearless written moral inventory of myself.
  5. Confession: I admitted to myself, to my Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of my wrongs.
  6. Change of Heart: I became entirely ready to have God remove all my character weaknesses.
  7. Humility: I humbly asked Heavenly Father to remove my shortcomings.
  8. Seeking Forgiveness: I made a written list of all persons I have harmed and became willing to make restitution to them.
  9. Restitution and Reconciliation: Wherever possible, I am making direct restitution to all persons I have harmed.

(Obviously, I’m on Step 9. You can read the rest of the steps here.)

I read through these steps and their simplicity floors me. Make no mistake—I have done nothing to earn the precious gift of recovery! It is a gift. I don’t deserve recovery. I thank my God I don’t get what I deserve!

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