Just tired

image source: rejeanchiasson.com

image source: rejeanchiasson.com

 

Sometimes I’m tired of being an addict in recovery.

I wouldn’t trade my recovery and sobriety for anything. It’s just that sometimes I feel drained. What would my life be like today if I hadn’t gotten lost in addiction? if I didn’t have this weakness? if I had never been introduced to pornography fifteen years ago?

What if the Internet didn’t have a cesspool of porn? What if I never chose to use pornography to self-medicate my pain? Who and where would I be today?

I think what I’m trying to express is that I’m tired of living in this world and I’m tired of having this weakness.

I’m not ready to throw in the towel or anything like that. I simply feel weary sometimes. Right now I feel weary.

Serving as a sponsor helps. So does being a husband, father, son, and brother. My family and friends give me much of my motivation to press onward.

Adding to my load is my stressing that I shouldn’t feel weary. Strange, isn’t it? Old patterns of thinking.

I think I can give more of my burdens to my Savior. Every time I’ve done so, He’s been there for me. I want to do so now but I almost feel like I can’t, or that I’ve forgotten how… I dunno. It’s difficult for me to explain.

I think I’m learning that I’m still in recovery. I still need healing, as does my family. I’m sober by the grace of God and I recover by the grace of God. I don’t need to do this alone.

He just reminded me of an experience I had while running. I shared it in a previous post. The trials and pains of my life still hurt when I run with a Friend, but they hurt less, and I feel hope when He’s with me.

I feel His love and encouragement now. Twenty-four more.

Advertisements

I need to know

 

You need to know

how much Heavenly Father knows of your pain

he can care for the child inside you harmed in such a bad way

his Son can bring you to the path of forgiveness of those who did such deeds

the Father and the Son can then walk with you arm and arm down that path

Let them

Let them

Let them

Burt Williams

Running with a Friend hurts less

I’m working Step 4. I’m writing down my entire life… everything I can possibly remember and all that the Lord wants me to recall… all my pain, sins, mistakes, fears, achievements, strengths, weaknesses, and wounds. Everything, for the purpose of building “a framework through which [the Lord] could help [me] sort out [my] past honestly” (LDS Addiction Recovery Manual, p.31).

I’m not going to sugar-coat it. Doing step 4 hurts. Fragile is the best word I can think of to describe how it makes me feel. It’s a painful experience.

A few weeks ago I went for an early morning run in the mountains. After a few miles I turned to head towards a canyon. At the mouth of the canyon I ran into (not literally) another runner. He was from out of town and asked if he could run with me so that he wouldn’t get lost. I’ve found that trail runners are often friendly people.

We started up the canyon together and soon noticed that most of the snow on the trail had been packed into ice. I also realized that I had forgotten to bring my trusty ice spikes. Don’t ask me why we didn’t turn around right then and there… mountain running makes me feel invincible (maybe I can blame the altitude? :-) ).  We settled into a steady pace running up the canyon while we talked about races, favorite trails, and our families. We slipped and nearly fell frequently but we kept going. I was enjoying the run.

After a couple of miles we came to a fork in the trail. I told him where I was headed and he said he wanted to explore the other direction, so we shook hands and parted ways. I took a drink of water and then started running up the trail again.

Suddenly my legs were very angry with me, haha. They hurt! The terrain hadn’t changed at all. Why the sudden pain? I did a mental body scan to check my running form. No problems there that I could identify but experience told me it was time to end the run. I turned around to head back down the canyon. I immediately slipped with my first step and fell onto my back and elbows. Another mental body scan… I wasn’t seriously injured. My water bottles had broken my fall and burst open in the process. Better than a broken bone! I took my new friend’s earlier advice and ran down the dry river bed instead of the trail. Much safer.

I only considered it a running experience, one in which I had earned a few cuts and bruises (badges of honor, as my mission president calls them). About a week later I learned a wonderful principle about the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

I was having a rough day. Life happens. I prayed for strength. I prayed for the Lord to carry those burdens that I couldn’t and to help me carry the rest. He then reminded me of my run up the canyon with my new friend. I had felt pain all the way up that canyon. I even felt fear upon discovering the treacherous terrain. But the pain and fear were pushed into the background of my mind by the companionship of my friend. His company allowed me to focus on something other than the pain. Running up that canyon still hurt, but it wasn’t overwhelming. Because of his company, I was able to endure—and in some ways enjoy—a painful experience.

Upon reminding me and teaching me in that moment, the Lord relieved me of the burdens of the day and week. I felt peace and love from Him. I was able to continue my day and focus on my work. The pain was still there, but it was no longer the only thing on my mind. It had been pushed into the background because the Savior was now my companion.

I felt His companionship and grace again today.  I just read the following from the LDS Addiction Recovery Manual:

“Even as you feel the pains of your own rebirth, remember that His suffering, not yours, ensures your redemption from sin. Your sacrifice is only a humble reminder of His ‘great and last sacrifice’ on your behalf (Alma 34:14)… Your fear of change will diminish as you realize the Lord understands the pain and hard work it requires” (p.41, 35).

I’m learning that my life can be a similar experience to that of my run in the canyon. I’ll have more rough days like today, but I won’t have to face them alone. The Lord is my friend and is walking the path of recovery with me.