Sometimes I’m tired of being an addict in recovery.
I wouldn’t trade my recovery and sobriety for anything. It’s just that sometimes I feel drained. What would my life be like today if I hadn’t gotten lost in addiction? if I didn’t have this weakness? if I had never been introduced to pornography fifteen years ago?
What if the Internet didn’t have a cesspool of porn? What if I never chose to use pornography to self-medicate my pain? Who and where would I be today?
I think what I’m trying to express is that I’m tired of living in this world and I’m tired of having this weakness.
I’m not ready to throw in the towel or anything like that. I simply feel weary sometimes. Right now I feel weary.
Serving as a sponsor helps. So does being a husband, father, son, and brother. My family and friends give me much of my motivation to press onward.
Adding to my load is my stressing that I shouldn’t feel weary. Strange, isn’t it? Old patterns of thinking.
I think I can give more of my burdens to my Savior. Every time I’ve done so, He’s been there for me. I want to do so now but I almost feel like I can’t, or that I’ve forgotten how… I dunno. It’s difficult for me to explain.
I think I’m learning that I’m still in recovery. I still need healing, as does my family. I’m sober by the grace of God and I recover by the grace of God. I don’t need to do this alone.
He just reminded me of an experience I had while running. I shared it in a previous post. The trials and pains of my life still hurt when I run with a Friend, but they hurt less, and I feel hope when He’s with me.
I feel His love and encouragement now. Twenty-four more.