If you know where I got the title for this post, you know. :) #bridgefour

I have recurring thoughts to share my recovery here again. I paused because I realized one of my reasons for blogging was to seek attention and approval. For that reason I hesitate to start again. At this point I’m certain God has prompted me, so here we go. I pray my Higher Power helps me see my weaknesses when they surface and surrender them to Him so that they don’t get in the way of my recovery or my trying to help others.

Interesting… my first thought just now was to share something I thought would garner praise. Hah! Instead I’ll start with my weakness.

I still struggle. Gratefully the severity and frequency of my addiction have declined immensely. I no longer feel consumed by it. I have days when I’m dishonest with myself and try to have just one small drink, so to speak; thinking I can control it. I can’t. The longer I wait to surrender these thoughts and feelings to God, the harder it is to let them go.

I have learned a few truths about myself the last few years:

1. All fantasy, not just sexual fantasy, is dangerous for me. I don’t mean reading books about wizards and dragons. I mean fantasy that feeds my pride. For example, I tend to fantasize about winning arguments, playing out all the gotchas and zings. I do this in my mind with both imagined and actual people, sometimes replaying past arguments, always plugging in my elevated self, and always winning.
2. I matter to God. He is eager to rescue and strengthen me.
3. I view my sins (rebellion) and my weaknesses (mortal conditions and incomplete character) differently. They are not the same thing. God feels differently about each one, and He invites me to act differently when I see each one. In both cases I need Jesus Christ to overcome them. Just as I am powerless to overcome my addictions on my own, and I am powerless to overcome my weaknesses on my own.
4. Giving my will to God is a necessary first step of my discipleship. Giving my self to God is a transforming next step. I cannot become patient when I am unwilling to give Him my impatience.

I’m slowly learning that acceptance is the key to my peace and happiness. I’m also learning that to some degree I struggle with codependency, and that I often do the right things for the wrong reasons. This has led to extreme “tired in my bones” exhaustion. I am learning to prioritize my self care, to not run faster than I have strength. Turns out God was serious when He taught that. I’m learning He even demonstrated it during His ministry on earth.

This has been a liberating, miraculous, and almost incredible journey. By the grace of God and by working the 12 Steps, I have made tremendous progress over my addictions in the last few years. I got to facilitate a recovery group for two years. I get to sponsor people and watch God work miracles in their lives. I have had patient and wise sponsors, therapists, and friends. He sends me the people I need when I need them. I am a better man today.

If you are struggling to believe that your life will get better, I know what that feels like. I know what it’s like to be overwhelmed and then have another hardship added to the pile. I still have many days like that.

I have learned for myself that God is eager to give His children everything we need, including hardship, so that we can receive the kind of peace only He offers. I have tasted it. I want to have more it. It is worth the temporary pain! I believe God provides a way forward through my difficulties instead of shortcuts out of them because He loves me too much to shortchange my growth. I know from experience He visits His people in their affliction.

I pray I will turn to Him sooner in hard moments and let go of trying to do things my way.