Jesus Christ

Honesty

understand-despair-Savior

 

After two years of attending addiction recovery meetings and nearly fifteen years of wrestling this beast called addiction, I can finally and gratefully admit defeat.

This is Step 1 of the addiction recovery program, originally inspired by the Alcoholics Anonymous’ (“AA”) 12 Steps:

Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.

I did not want to admit that I am powerless to overcome my addictions and that I can’t control of my life. That concept goes against what I’ve believed all my life. In many ways it contradicts what my culture (including common but not official beliefs within Mormonism) espouses…

Self-reliance. Independence. A strong will can overcome anything. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. There’s nothing you can’t accomplish. God will never give you more than you can handle. Some accomplishments might take longer than others, but anyone can ultimately achieve the same things with enough time and hard work. You just have to want it badly enough.

I tell you what, breaking free of those beliefs is tough. I’ve struggled vainly to hold on to them. I completely bought into the idea that I can do this, I can overcome my addiction… “keep on trucking, Michael, because you can do this. Just work harder. You’ll figure this out.” I meant well by trying to believe these ideas. I thought I was supposed to.

I am so, so very grateful that God is teaching me to abandon these powerfully appealing false doctrines.

Here’s an excerpt from the LDS Addiction Recovery Manual:

“… the addiction was destroying our lives. When we honestly looked at the past, we admitted that nothing we had tried on our own had worked. We acknowledged how the addiction had only gotten worse. We realized how much our addictions had damaged relationships and robbed us of any sense of worth. At this point, we took the first step toward freedom and recovery by finding the courage to admit that we were not just dealing with a problem or a bad habit. We finally admitted the truth that our lives had become unmanageable and that we needed help to overcome our addictions. The amazing thing about this honest realization of defeat was that recovery finally began (page 1, emphasis added).

I just can’t get enough of those words! An honest realization of my defeat has liberated me from my pride and self will.

Until one month ago I would’ve challenged such notions… “Defeat? Who finds inspiration from admitting defeat? No, I’m strong! I can do this! I just haven’t figured it out yet, but I will!”  I toiled and cried and doubted and clawed my way through my addiction. I white-knuckled with a fierce commitment to sobriety. And I relapsed countless times. Interestingly, I thought I had already completed Step 1, but I hadn’t admitted defeat.

I pleaded and begged for God to help me. And He did help me. He blessed me with debilitating depression. He blessed me to feel and be utterly spent. He blessed me with exhaustion. He loves me so much that He let me break. He let me lose. He blessed me to see that I lost my war on addiction. I was defeated.

Never, not in my entire existence (I honestly feel that I can make this statement) have I ever felt so defeated and beaten as I did one month ago. I didn’t have any strength left. I had nothing left to give. I’ve ran up mountains (literally). I’ve served a full-time mission with every ounce of energy I had in me (I slept for a very long time after returning home). I’ve worked forty hours a week while attending college full-time with a wife and a baby. I’ve been poor enough to worry about how we were going to eat our next meal. I’ve contemplated suicide. But nothing beat me like addiction beat me. This was my very own “rock bottom,” as AA puts it.

In the very moment that I conceded defeat—in the very moment—God was there to lift me up. I didn’t feel a surge of hope or faith that everything would be alright. I only felt love from Him. I felt that despite my complete defeat, He was not condemning me. He was not forsaking me. In my moment of despair, He showed me that He will never stop loving me. That’s when I finally surrendered to my God. Yes, addiction won and I lost. But that didn’t have to be the end of it. No, I have the most powerful and loving Being in the universe on my side, and He’ll never abandon me. I now feel like I know this truth better than I know my own name.

So I’m no longer fighting this battle on my own because I’m no longer fighting according to my plans. I’m no longer struggling to win my way. My way lost. My way led to deeper addiction, more anger, and hardened pride. My will and not Thine be done was my way. “I’ll figure this out, and I’ll ask you for help when I really need it.” I’m leaving all that behind now, and I’ve never felt so free.

Now I work the steps of recovery every day and together with my Lord and Savior we are winning! We are moving forward. I still have rough days. I still have need to repent almost every minute, but I’m no longer losing against my addiction because I’m no longer trying to fight it on my own. I don’t have to win or lose anymore. I just need to learn to trust my Heavenly Father and in His power to deliver me.

And here’s the miracle: He knew that I would lose. He knew that I would desperately need divine help. He knew that I would literally need saving. That’s why He gave me a Savior! That’s why He offered His Only Begotten Son as a sacrifice for my sins and fallen nature. He didn’t let His Son die because He thought I was a failure but because He knew I would fail, and He couldn’t let me fail without any hope of recovery. That doesn’t contradict the fact that He thinks the world of me as one of His children—it supports it! It’s the epitome of loving support.

God let His Son, Jesus Christ, die for me because He loves me. And Jesus Christ died for me because He loves me, too. I am that important to God. I am worth the best blood this world has ever seen (I think I heard someone use that expression before, but I can’t find it).

Twenty-seven days ago I went to http://www.arpsupport.org out of desperation. I asked for a sponsor and I got one. I thank my Father in Heaven for leading me to do that. My sponsor helps me to be rigorously honest and not overlook the details. He’s helping me work the steps of recovery thoroughly. He shows me that he cares and doesn’t condemn. He understands what I’m going through and he’s helping me come to know that Jesus Christ understands what I’m going through.

As it turns out, the steps really do work when I work the steps. I need to work them constantly, every day. That simply means I need my Savior constantly, every day. My Higher Power is my only way out of this, and I’m learning to do it His way.

Tonight in a group addiction support meeting I heard the most profound and sincere declaration that I’ve ever heard, and I heard it from a fellow addict in recovery: “Today I know that God loves me.” He was overcome with emotion, as were we all. I’m so grateful God led me to that meeting tonight so that I could learn from my fellow addict brother. I add my testimony to his, that today I know that God loves me. I owe everything to Him. I love Him!

“I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God. Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things” (Book of Mormon, Alma 26:11-12).

Seeing people, not objects

I’d like to address something that I once used as an excuse for indulging in my addiction.  It’s an important topic to me, and I have formed very strong opinions on it.  Because I feel so strongly about it, I’m concerned that I’ll come off as “preachy.”  I hope I don’t.  I only mean to convey the truths I’ve learned in a clear, unmistakable manner.

“For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world” (the Apostle John, 1 John 2:16).

There was a time in my addiction recovery when I got frustrated and angry with women who dress immodestly.  I thought, “My recovery would be a lot easier if women would cover themselves more.”  Perhaps others have had or heard similar thoughts.  Here are a few that I’ve heard:

“Women (men) should dress modestly because it helps men (women) keep their thoughts clean.”

“It’s not a man’s fault that he has so many sexual urges.  Women are just more virtuous than men.”

“Men naturally think about sex more than women do.  They can’t help it.”

“I couldn’t help looking at her (him) because of what she (he) was wearing.”

“If women (men) would dress more modestly then I wouldn’t have such a hard time controlling my eyes.”

And the list goes on…

Here’s what I’ve learned: These statements are all lies.

Women are not responsible for a man’s thoughts or behaviors.  Men are not responsible for a woman’s thoughts or behaviors.  Women are not inherently more virtuous than or superior to men (and vice versa).  Men are not inherently less virtuous or inferior to women (and vice versa).

I am responsible for my own thoughts and behavior.

I came to learn this after much thought, struggle, prayer, and study.  I think it took me a while to reach these conclusions because their opposites (see the list of lies above) are much easier to believe.  They encouraged and enabled my addictive behavior and thoughts.  Subscribing to them made me a victim.  “It’s not my fault that some women choose to dress that way.  And because I’m a male, it’s so much harder for me to control my thoughts.”

Yes, being in public can sometimes be extremely difficult for me.  Heck, living in this world can be difficult for anyone striving not to be of the world.  Billboards, TV and radio commercials, Internet advertisements, music, movies… one doesn’t have to search long before finding inappropriate sexual material.  In fact, in today’s world, one doesn’t even have to search for it in order to be exposed to it.

Nevertheless, God doesn’t excuse me from seeking to rid my life, mind, and heart of it:

“But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Jesus Christ, Matthew 5:28).

I also believe that feelings of attraction are not evil.  They’re normal, even good, divinely-designed elements of being human.  But there’s a distinct line between acknowledging attraction towards a person and coveting a person, between observing beauty and entertaining thoughts.

Instead of looking at other people as objects to satisfy one’s lust, I believe that God wants us to look at each other as His children—beings of infinite worth and potential.  There’s a reason lusting after another person isn’t a praiseworthy or shameless thing to do.  There’s a reason one feels uncomfortable or guilty doing it, and even tries to hide it.  Like any other sin, it’s wrong not because God says it’s wrong; it’s wrong because it’s wrong.

Learning to deal with addiction in the moment of temptation has been very difficult for me.  I can’t count the number of times when faced with temptation that my choices have required repentance and re-commitment, only to be almost immediately followed by another choice that requires repentance and re-commitment.  My powerlessness over my addiction can become maddening and disheartening if I’m not in the correct frame of mind.  But I have learned that God doesn’t expect me to face the difficulties of life on my own, and He certainly doesn’t want or require that I face my addiction on my own.  In fact, He wants me to reach out to Him for help.  He wants me to independently choose to depend on Him.  So when I face temptation, I ask Heavenly Father to give me strength against it.  Then I ask Him to take my addiction and give it to His Son to bear, because I am powerless over it.  That’s a part of the definition of addiction: the actual loss of ability to abstain.  (I’d like to write more about that in a separate post, but I felt I needed to include those nuggets of precious truth here.)

One of my sisters shared with me a very well-written article on this topic of seeing a person for who they really are instead of an object of lust.  Some of my thoughts in this post echo those contained in the article, but I think he articulates the principles much better than I do.  I highly recommend reading it.  You can find it here: http://natepyle.com/seeing-a-woman/